Laura Ingalls Wilder

You get a bonus post!

Lately I've been talking a lot about Laura Ingalls Wilder, author of the "Little House" series, which was my favorite when I was a kid. I want to take a road trip to visit her homes and the museums/sites set up for her in Missouri and South Dakota. Geeky? Yes. But I love her. (Have I told you the story about the name Laura Jo? I can't remember. I'll tell it another time.)

So last night I was reading info on the site for the museum in Missouri, and here is a quote from a letter of Laura's that they have posted. I will preface by saying that she's talking about all the changes she's seen in her life, all the advancements people and technology have made, and what, in her mind, is most important in life:

"It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with the simple pleasures and to be cheerful and have courage when things go wrong."

Love her. :)

Creativity waits

Confession: I haven't actively worked on "The Artist's Way" since Thanksgiving. So, what, three weeks now?

The good news: That changed today. I re-read Chapter 8 and did some of the tasks, then read Chapter 9 and did some of those tasks. Once I read and do some tasks from Chapter 10, I'm caught up.

I have my partner in creativity Dianna to thank for getting me back on track. We've discovered that we can chat online at work, and so we have been. Regular chatting with her is so helpful to me. It would be very easy for me to go home after work and veg in front of the TV instead of working on my writing (which is the goal of this course), but she told me there was good stuff in the chapters I hadn't read yet, and she was right. After tonight, I feel so much better.

The best news: Creativity waits. As I was reading these chapters and doing the tasks, I was having all these insights regarding the projects I am starting. I realized that just because I hadn't been working on them doesn't mean that I've lost any of the creative juices that got me excited about them in the first place. It's all there, in my head, waiting patiently for me to let it out. These are good ideas and they deserve better than to be ignored or delayed. My own issues and distractions are no excuse to my treatment of my inner artist. She is better than that.

I'm sorry, Artist. Thanks for staying with me. I can't promise things between us will always be easy, but I can promise to always try my hardest to make both of us happy. I know how special you are, and I will never stop working to let other people know it, too.

Book(s) review: "The Hunger Games" series

I have a few minutes while I procrastinate doing laundry, so I'll write this post. :)

"The Hunger Games," by Suzanne Collins, is a trilogy of books about a society in the future that was once the United States and is now a group of 12 districts that surround The Capitol. The districts are all poor and struggling because they provide The Capitol with goods and get next to nothing for it. At one time in the past there was a District 13, but it was blown to smithereens when it tried to start a revolution against The Capitol's ultimate control. To remember that day (and to never let the other districts forget it), The Capitol holds an annual event called The Hunger Games, where a boy and girl from each district are chosen to compete in a survival-style battle that airs live on national TV, and where the last living contestant wins (and is subsequently financially taken care of for the rest of their life.)

Katniss Everdeen, from District 12, volunteers herself to go to the games when her little sister, Prim, is chosen. She leaves Prim and her mother in the care of her best friend Gale and goes with Peeta, a boy who once saved her from starvation years ago, to the games.

Long story short: Katniss and Peeta are advised to cook up this fake romance for the viewing audience's sympathy. This works, and they go from being long shots to top contenders. In the middle of the games, The Capitol changes the rules and says that two contestants from the same district can win. So Katniss and Peeta do it, of course. Then The Capitol comes back and says, no, never mind, only one can win. Instead of trying to kill each other, Katniss and Peeta agree to both kill themselves so that there will be no winner at all.

The Capitol stops them in time, and they're considered the greatest victors of the games ever. The problem: The Capitol is pissed. The president feels that Katniss has undermined The Capitol's authority, and now warns her that she and anybody she ever cared about is in serious danger if another revolution starts.

That's just the first book. It was a quick, exciting read. The futuristic elements were a little hard to wrap my head around, but the basis of the book was interesting and compelling. So much so, I immediately borrowed the other two books in the series to find out what happens.

Book two: "Catching Fire."

This is all about Katniss and her attempts to keep a revolution from happening. Unfortunately for her, it's starting no matter what. At the same time, Peeta (whose feelings for Katniss were real) and Gale (who declares his own feelings for Katniss) are putting her in an awkward spot. This is because while she cares for both of them, she doesn't allow herself to love either. Thankfully, all that romantic triangle stuff that has been done to death in YA novels these days is a mere subplot.

So. The revolution is starting up and The Capitol attempts to quell it by doing the unthinkable: The next Hunger Games will be played by previous games winners from each district. That means Katniss and Peeta are going back into the arena. And they're super pissed about it. They form an alliance with a few from the other districts and figure out how to once again defy The Capitol by destroying the arena itself. They all know they could very well be executed for doing it, but they don't care.

When the plan is put in motion, some stuff goes wrong and Peeta and Katniss are separated. As the arena is crumbling around them, Katniss is lifted into a helicopter and flown to District 13, which exists after all. It's where the revolution has been planned underground for 75 years, and where it's going to officially start. Peeta is captured by The Capitol.

Book Three: "Mockingjay"

Katniss is thrust into life in District 13 and learns that D12 was obliterated by The Capitol after the arena was destroyed. The president of D13 wants Katniss to be the spokesperson and symbol of the revolution. She's not interested. Then The Capitol releases footage of Peeta being tortured, and she gets angry and agrees. She, Gale and some of the others with whom she formed the alliance in the games are all leading the way. They end up rescuing Peeta and some other hostages from The Capitol, and go from district to district, until all are under their control. Now they just need to take The Capitol and the revolution is complete.

It gets very political and military here, and, frankly, I was bored. Not even the triangle remained interesting enough to keep me focused. So, for the sake of this already long post, I'll give you the end: The Capitol is overthrown. Katniss wants to be the one to execute the president. Before she does it, the president of D13 (who is going to take over) says that to punish The Capitol for all the years of mistreatment of the districts, they're going to have another Hunger Games and all the contestants will be children from The Capitol. So, as Katniss aims to kill the president of the Capitol (who is dying anyway), she instead shoots and kills the president of D13.

Katniss saw what we, the reader, are supposed to see: Any government that assumes total power is bad. We cannot allow a dictatorship. We have to stand up and fight for what is right, no matter the consequences. We have to let our voices be heard and remind those who have authority that we have the power to change things if we want to. And revenge is not a justifiable reason to commit a crime.

I get Collins' message, and I appreciate that she had the guts to deliver it. I only wish she had done it as strongly in the second two books as she did in the first. The last book in particular was the least enjoyable. The best part of each of these books was when Katniss was playing in the Games. There was only a tiny snippet of that in the last book, and it felt rushed and unsatisfying.

Oh, and Katniss ends up with Peeta. (But, by then, I didn't really care.)

Thanksgiving

Wow! I didn't realize it had been so long since I'd posted. Things have been crazy, but that's how it usually is around the holidays, right?

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I love the prep for and anticipation of Christmas, but as far as the actual day itself, Thanksgiving wins every time. I think it's because for a day we all stop and remind ourselves of what we have. There is no other pretense. Just spend time with loved ones and appreciate your life. It doesn't get much better.

Here's this year's thankful list with serious and silly items, for all of which I'm very grateful:

1. My family, as always. I don't like all of them, but I love every last one and am so glad we're a fairly tight-knit unit.

2. My friends, who are my family.

3. My job, which gives me the freedom to be creative and the security to make rent.

4. Coffee, which makes even the worst times just a little bit better.

5. My talent. That might sound conceited, but I don't mean it that way. I truly value my imagination and the ability to play with words.

6. Books, and also my book club, who are some of my favorite people on the planet.

7. Weight Watchers, which has helped me lose 15 pounds in the past month. (I know!)

8. Ian Somerhalder. Good Lord.

9. My health, which has stayed with me even though I haven't given it much genuine consideration until recently.

10. Mexican food, and the ability to make it myself.

11. Nature. I love being outdoors.

12. The Clinique skin care line, even though my forehead is rebelling against it at the moment.

13. Movies. Like books, they let me escape.

14. Tequila. Yum.

15. Hope. I'm still holding onto it for things I want that I don't have yet.

That's good for now. I might be inspired to write more. If not, Happy Thanksgiving!

Oops, I did it again

Well, I completed my second half marathon today. As with the first time, two years ago, there's an asterisk next to the victory time.

There's a place in the course that loops down one street and back up the next. Two years ago, I woke up with terrible back pain on the day of the race and made it to that point until I had to stop, cut across, and lay flat on my back on the sidewalk while I waited for my friends to make the loop and get me. It's the only way I could have finished. (I'm not being dramatic, either. My buddy told me that she was genuinely worried about me and thought they were going to need the EMTs to come save me at some point.)

Well, this year, I ended up doing the same thing. Not because my back was killing me and making me feel like I was about to die, but because at that point (around Mile 11) I was starting to lock up. My lower back, legs and feet were just not moving right. The second I stopped and stretched, I felt better. I waited for my friend to come back around, and then we finished together.

I don't feel the least bit guilty about stopping, stretching and waiting. I was listening to my body. The miles before that point (except Mile 10, that fucker) weren't bad. I was tired, yes, but not in pain. As soon as I felt the shift from fatigue to pain, I knew I needed to do something.

Anyway, the point is, I finished, albeit with an asterisk. I don't care. It's still an accomplishment at 12 miles than 13.1. I'm not going to lie about what I did, and I'm not going to buy a "13.1" sticker for my car. I am, however, going to enjoy getting the medal. (They ran out at the finish line and said they would send them to us. Lame.) At the moment, the idea of doing this again sounds like the worst thing ever. But... I'm pretty sure I said that exact same thing after the first one.

Book Review: "The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake"

This was last month's book club selection, and I just realized I never wrote my summary. (I know y'all were on the edges of your seats for it. Ha!)

Here it is: This book is stupid.

A little girl, Rose, if I remember correctly, discovers that she has the ability to taste in food the emotions of the person who created it. This is sort of "Like Water for Chocolate"-esque. Rose learns about her mother's unhappiness and affair by eating her food. She can pinpoint where any mass-produced item is from, down to the exact factory. She can break down recipes and tell exactly where each ingredient is from.

Rose doesn't have super close friends and isn't that close to her family, either. As she grows up, she and her dad have a chance to bond more. Her brother is a lost cause. He's a genius, but basically lives like a hermit. He'll vanish for a few weeks at a time, only to reappear completely emaciated and in need of hospital care to get back to health.

Long story short: Rose discovers that her grandfather had a "gift" of smelling the emotions of people, and it damn near drove him crazy. He ended up wearing this weird mask thing in order to keep it under control. Her father has a similar thing regarding hospitals. He's scared to death to go in one because of the reaction he has to it.

So in the end we find out her brother, the genius, has found a way to break the laws of physics and turn himself into furniture. Yes, you read that right. He. Becomes. Furniture. When he's missing it's not because he's on a drug binge, or locked in a den of hookers or in a drunken stupor under a bridge somewhere. It's because he's the coat rack.

It's the stupidest thing I've ever read in my life. I am so so SO glad I checked out the book from the library and didn't actually buy it. I would have been PISSED if I'd spent money on it. The only good thing about it, in fact, was that our book club hostess was inspired to make a lemon cake from scratch as our dessert. I think we all deserved a slice after the nonsense that is this book.

Oh, and also...

Remember, remember the fifth of November...

Disneystrology

Got this book at work. Here is what my birthday character says about me:

Tigger

You never run out of energy. You're optimistic, creative, and charming. Because you're so sure of yourself and your abilities, you're shocked when things don't turn out as planned. You usually discover, after the fact, that the things you can't do, you don't like to do anyway. You never lose your childlike innocence and are shy around those you admire. Your best friends are the ones who appreciate your energy and spontaneity.

Magical Gifts

Tigger bestows everything that Tiggers like: a happy heart, good friends and a fabulous bouncing ability.

Keys to Your Success

Looking before you bounce.

Tigger's Story: "Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day" (1968)

Fun stuff! :)

P.S. - The universe was speaking to me today. When I was younger, I was kind of obsessed with Tigger and had a bunch of Tigger stuff. And today was a very blustery day.

National Novel Writing Month

November, along with having my favorite holiday and the lovely Fall Back I've been waiting for, also is National Novel Writing Month.

There is a movement for writers to start and finish a 50,000-word novel in one month. One. Month.

That's crazy talk. I don't have the time for that! Especially not with the kind of novel I'm writing. That requires research and lots of alone time, all of which, in my case, has to happen before and after work hours. If I didn't have the job? Totally down for it.

The idea to start writing, though, is timely for me since I'm working on a new concept as we speak. (I know I say that a lot. I make no apologies for the amount of crap rolling around in my head. It comes out when it wants. I'm just the messenger.) I'm excited about it, so hopefully the momentum to keep writing it out will continue.

Happy November! It's going to be a good month. I can feel it. :)

Getting ready for Halloween

I think I strained my wrist carving this little guy. Note: Little pumpkins have harder rinds and smellier guts. He's cute, though. :)

Movie Review: "The Social Network"

Really? A movie about Facebook? Sounds kind of lame, no?

NO!

This movie is excellent from top to bottom. The writing, the acting, the music, the direction... It's all so, so good.

Jessie Eisenberg plays Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of Facebook. Normally Jesse plays loveable geeks. Mark is a hateable geek. There is quite a difference.

The story, in one graph:

Zuckerberg gets dumped because he's an asshole and he takes to the Internet to exact revenge. He ends up crashing Harvard's server thanks to his "Facemash.com," where people can compare the hotness of the women on campus. This catches the attention of the Winklevoss twins and their business partner, who want to create a legit site that has full profiles of the Harvard student body. "How is this different from MySpace?" Zuckerberg asks. "Exclusivity" is the answer. He's in... sort of. Instead of working on the project for the twins, he does his own thing (with the help of best friend Eduardo Saverin, who provides funding) and ends up with what is now Facebook. It takes off. Napster founder Sean Parker gets involved. It goes worldwide. Eduardo gets cut out of the company. Mark is the youngest billionaire there ever was. He gets sued by the twins, who we find out received $35 million, and by Eduardo, who received an undisclosed settlement.

Aaron Sorkin wrote this movie, and did a damn good job of it, too. In an interview I read in Entertainment Weekly, he was asked about the validity of the movie (Zuckerberg and the folks at Facebook were not involved). His reply: "People tend to get sued if they lie about other people. You'll see we haven't been sued."

So it's accurate. Zuckerberg, the man who made "friend" a verb, dicked over the only friend he ever had and stole some intellectual property to get where he is today. He paid for it, sure, but he never cared about the money (and probably doesn't care that there's a movie painting him in unfavorable light). It's all about Facebook.

Andrew Garfield plays Eduardo. Justin Timberlake plays Sean Parker. The twins are played by two guys made to look like only one of them, Armie Hammer. (That is confusing, but true. Two different guys played the twins and the filmmakers digitally changed the one who is not Armie Hammer to look and sound like Armie Hammer.) Everyone is fantastic.

Another interesting tidbit: Natalie Portman provided Sorkin with inside information about Harvard's elite final clubs. She went to Harvard when all this was going down and dated one of the clubs members (apparently they're a super huge deal) and gladly gave Sorkin the scoop. I didn't check to see if she was given special thanks in the credits.

A Facebook origin story doesn't seem like it would be that exciting. A bunch of super smart computer geeks playing with lines of code? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. But it isn't about that. It's about a guy who stopped at nothing to get what he wanted. Normally we encourage that kind of spirit, but this time we're torn: Is Mark Zuckerberg an asshole for saying what he means, doing what he wants and not caring what people think of him? Or is Mark Zuckerberg to be pitied because he got what he wanted, and yet really only has that one thing?

$7 billion can get you pretty much anything... except friends.

Quotes

I decided that this week needs to start on a good note with some good quotes.

"Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast." ~Lewis Carroll

“Well-behaved women seldom make history” ~ Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

"I haven't failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." ~ Thomas Edison

"Live the life you've imagined." ~Thoreau

"You are unrepeatable. There is a magic about you that is all your own..." ~D.M. Dellinger

"The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid." ~Jane Austen

“If enough people think of a thing and work hard enough at it, I guess it's pretty nearly bound to happen, wind and weather permitting.” ~Laura Ingalls Wilder

There! One for every day of the coming week. :)

It gets better!

The big thing on the Internet right now is the It Gets Better campaign, aimed at gay youth who are the subjects of bullying and harassment. There is an alarming increase in the number of these kids who are taking their own lives, and celebrities and average citizens alike are taking to the web to post videos of support.

I am not web-savvy enough to post a video, but if I was, this is what I would say:

Hi. I'm Stefanie. I was never really bullied in school. I've never been made to feel like something was wrong with me on a regular basis. But, at the same time, I never really felt like I fit in. I think that's something that all teenagers go through, because all teenagers are in the beginning stages of learning who they are. That's not something that can be accomplished before you're 18, or 22 or hell, even 29. That's a lifelong journey of discovery, and it's one that we all deserve the chance to take.

Right now your world is small and the things that happen in it seem big. As you get older and gain knowledge and experience, you'll find that that shifts -- your world becomes much larger and the things that happen are not so consuming. You'll graduate high school and go on to college or the military or enter the workforce or travel or become famous for something. No matter which path you take, amazing things will happen to you: You'll read books that change your life, see art that inspires you to create your own, visit places you've only ever heard of before... and your world will grow.

In that world, you'll find that there are many different types of people. Not all of them will be kind, and not all of them will agree with your lifestyle; however, you'll also find that many of them are kind, many of them do agree and, most importantly of all, the majority will see you and respect you as a human being above anything else. But the best part of all? The best part is you will find yourself changed. You will become stronger, more confident, more powerful. You may not be able to change the world, but you can change your place in it and surround yourself with the environment that will nurture you to continue to find your way.

Taking your own life is not the only option. Hang in there. Keep your head up and your eyes focused on the future you want to have, because if you can envision it, you can make it a reality. It doesn't happen overnight. It takes time, and patience, and strength, but IT IS POSSIBLE. Life has wonderful things in store for you, but you've got to give them the opportunity to happen. Be strong. Survive now so that you may live later. I promise you, it will be worth it. It gets better.

The paper anniversary

Here's something that's hard to believe: Today is the one year anniversary of this blog.

I maintained a blog for a whole year. And it was a lot of fun. Yay for me, for this and for you for reading. Thanks a bunch.

Here's to another year, and getting to a second anniversary (which, I just Googled, is the cotton anniversary. Whoever thinks up this stuff is weird.)

(Paper. Papel picado, actually.)

Movie Review: "The Town"

Is it weird for me to say that I'm proud of Ben Affleck these days? I mean, I know he co-wrote "Good Will Hunting," and he did a great job in "Hollywoodland" and with "Gone Baby Gone," but for the gap between those sets of projects, he was mostly involved in crap. Poor guy.

"The Town" is based on a book called "Prince of Thieves" and was adapted by Affleck into a screenplay, which became the movie he starred in/directed.

He plays Doug, a bank robber, which is a common profession in the area of Charlestown, Mass. He's sick of it, though, and ready to get out. In one of his last jobs, his hot-tempered partner Jem takes a hostage, who they free without harming, but they discover that she lives in their neighborhood and has a good chance of figuring out who they really are. Doug doesn't want Jem to hurt her, so he takes it upon himself to "check it out" and make sure nothing is going to happen.

Guess what happens?

That's right, Doug falls for the hostage (Claire) and is further motivated to change his life. She's ready to pick up and go with him wherever he wants, but then Jem comes around and realizes that Doug is involved with the one person who can ruin everything for them.

Oh, and there's also Jon Hamm as an FBI agent who is breathing down their necks. (Side note: Every woman I know lusts for Jon Hamm. I don't get it.)

This is one of those stories where you root for the criminal to get away. People in the crowd literally cheered when Doug left a note on Jon Hamm's car: "Go fuck yourself."

Things don't go so well for the crew in the end. They are blackmailed into doing a super dangerous job. The jealous ex-girlfriend narks. Some people die (but not all. I'm not giving EVERYTHING away!) It's a bummer of an ending, but it's to be expected. I mean, they are federal criminals!

I really enjoyed it, and you will, too. Go watch it.

P.S. -- An exercise in the screenplay book is to pay attention to movies and see if you can spot the plot points at the end of the first and second acts. I totally saw them, right where they were supposed to be and at the time they were supposed to happen. I'm learning! :)

What happens when you turn off the TV

I've implemented a new rule for myself: No TV during the week except for Tuesdays and Thursdays. Hey, I have to watch "Glee" and "The Vampire Diaries." This is only Week 1, but it's been going well so far. I didn't turn on the TV at all on Monday or Wednesday. (Potential amendments to the rule: A good Monday Night Football game, an awards show or some other special broadcast I want to see.)

Did you know you get a lot of things done when you're not distracted by TV? Take Wednesday, for example...

List of things I did on Wednesday:

1. All my laundry.

2. Cleaned out/reorganized my dresser and closet.

3. Put away all my laundry (including the stuff that had been piling up on the floor for the past month.)

4. A blog entry.

5. Two exercises from "The Artist's Way," a creativity course I'm embarking on with my BFF Dianna (who follows this blog. She's up there in the corner. Everyone wave... Hi, Dianna!) :)

6. Studied a couple of chapters in the screenplay book I'm using to teach myself how to write screenplays.

7. The dishes.

8. Started gathering things together for a garage sale that's coming up.

9. Packed my lunch for today.

10. Cleaned out/organized the linen closet and drawers in my bathroom.

HELLO! That's a damn lot of stuff! And all because I didn't sit on the couch and channel surf until ultimately deciding on Nick at Nite or reruns of "The Office." I'm inspired by my own productivity. I plan to keep it up!

Book Review: "One Day"

"One Day," by David Nicholls, tells the story of Emma Moray and Dexter Mayhew's friendship over the span of 20 years. The clever little catch? We only see this progression on July 15 of each year, starting in 1989 when they've just graduated from university.

I saw a lot of myself in Emma. She has the most promising future out of the two, but struggles for a long time before finding her way. In contrast, Dexter's success comes fast and easy, but he struggles later on.

There are years when they are super close and years where they've lost touch completely. But even when they aren't speaking to each other, they are constantly thinking of each other. They've known each other too long and have been through too much together to fully dismiss one another.

Obviously there are only two ways this can end: 1) They end up together, or 2) They remain just friends. Trust me, at different points throughout the book, you're going to hope for each outcome.

Nicholls could have ended it either way and I would have been satisfied, to tell you the truth. They truly love each other, so ending up together would be one of those "it's about time" things. They truly love each other, so not ending up together would be one of those "love you like family for the rest of my life" things. Either is lovely. (The late-teens, early-20s Stefanie would have been devastated if they did not end up together. The current Stefanie finds the second option equally wonderful.)

Instead, Nicholls delivers the most unsatisfying ending ever. It's written cleverly, but what happens comes very close to ruining the whole rest of the book for me. I understand it (as best I can, anyway), but I don't like it at all.

They're filming the movie adaptation as we speak. They're either going to have to change the ending or stop touting it as a romantic comedy, or else the audience is going to be severely disappointed. But Nicholls is adapting the screenplay himself, so who knows?

A lovely bit of writing

I am reading "One Day" by David Nicholls, and there is a passage about one of the main character's hopes for her life that I think is great (full review to come soon):

"The trick of it, she told herself, is to be courageous and bold and make a difference. Not change the world, exactly, just the bit around you. Go out there with your double-first, your passion and your new Smith Corona electric typewriter and work hard at... something. Change lives through art maybe. Write beautifully. Cherish your friends, stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully and well. Experience new things. Love and be loved if at all possible. Eat sensibly. Stuff like that."

(Note: "double-first" is a UK thing. Here it's the equivalent of getting a double-major Bachelor's. Also, this moment is in 1989. Nowadays we use computers for writing. Although I've always loved typewriters.)

It's amazing what a little walk will do

Today was a good day at work. I got something accomplished that I really enjoyed doing, went to lunch with a friend I haven't seen in a while, and then took a quick mid-afternoon field trip to Starbucks for a snack.

There are two Starbucks within a quarter-mile radius of my office. One is in the mall and one is not. I choose to visit the one that is not in the mall, because it's bigger, prettier and far less crowded. Because it's still hotter than Hades here, I opted for my hot weather drink: Tall green tea frapp, no whip. (While I love pumpkin spice lattes -- tall, nonfat, no whip -- the most, it's just too hot. I look forward to the cooler weather when I can enjoy them comfortably.) And I got an oatmeal cookie.

Besides the yummy snack, I found the round trip nice. It was hot and I was sweaty and gross by the time I got back to my desk, but I think the change of scenery did me good. I was in a great mood. I even waved at tourists floating along on a river barge as I walked across the bridge above! I never do that! :)

Perhaps when the weather cools down more (I really can't come back dripping every day. It's just gross) I'll make the excursion a daily ritual. Not to Starbucks, necessarily, but maybe around a few blocks, just to see what I see. I think it's a good plan.

Why I hate people

Ok, I don't hate all people. In fact, I'd say I actually hate very few, compared to the amount of people there are. But it seems like those few always come into the store on Saturdays while I'm working. Examples (all true, by the way) of why I'm so glad that next weekend is my last weekend in the world of retail:

1. Customer: "Do you have ____?"
Me: "No, we're out of ____ right now."
Customer: Blank stare.

What?!?!?! You think if you look at me long enough I'll reach down into my jeans and pull _____ out of my ass??? "Ta-da! I was just kidding. It was right here in my ass all along. Gotcha!"

2. Customer: "How do I get to the Mexican restaurant?"
Me: "It's in the back parking lot." (While pointing to the back parking lot.)
Customer: "What does that mean?"

What do you mean, what does it mean? It means venture into the parking lot that is not in front of the building and you'll likely stumble upon an establishment that will serve you a fucking taco.

3. Customer: "I bet all the kids do this, huh?" (While watching their children ruin displays and get dangerously close to knocking over things that are expensive and breakable.)
Me: "No."

Actually, yes. Because for some reason parents these days are shockingly tolerant of bad behavior. If I had acted this way when I was a kid... oh man. Well, I would probably still be getting paddled at this very moment. I still told that lady no, though. Because keep your damn kids in line. Nobody thinks they are adorable except for you.

4. Customer: "So what else is around here?"

I always answer this question, because the store is in a place that even locals feel is a foreign land. But what if I didn't know? I don't work for the goddam Visitor's Bureau. Google works for everyone, people. As my dad would say -- "Look it up."

5. Quick co-worker gripe: I saved the new girl from making a huge mistake today. She got confused about the pricing on some items and was about to charge a woman $50 for $200 worth of stuff. I made the catch and the fix, but the new girl literally snatched the gift wrap out of my hands and gave the customer the finished product, so she got to be the hero. Screw you, new girl, for being stupid and still getting to play with the curling ribbons.

6. Quick self-gripe: I can't be fake. Ever. Which is probably why I suck so bad at career networking and dating and anything that involves, you know, superficial interaction. I think I said it best earlier today when I said that my "nice" comes out looking like everyone else's "normal." Doesn't work too well in the customer service game.

7. Customer: "I was talking to [insert owner's name] and she told me..."
Me: Staring and nodding; not listening at all.

8. Customer: "Can I see that piece of jewelry in the case? And that one? And that one? Ok, how about that one..."

Bitch, the least expensive thing in this case is still $200. You're not buying it. I don't have time to watch you play dress-up. Cut the crap.

9. Customer: "I need a ____ in this specific size."
Me: "It looks like we're out of that size, but we just put in an order for more that should be here in a couple of days. When do you need it?"
Customer: "Tonight."
Me: "Oh, well, I guess that's not going to work."
Customer: Blank stare.

Sir, this is not Hogwarts. I do not have a magic wand to conjure this shit out of thin air just for you. If I did, however, have a magic wand and if this was in fact Hogwarts, I would "Imperio" your ass right out the door. Then I would go to the Room of Requirement, which would have a pitcher of margaritas and a masseur ready and waiting.

10. Customer: "Oh, I think they're closing. What time do you close?"
Me: "Seven." (It's 7:05.)
Customer: "Oh, let's hurry. I bet she wants to leave."
Me: Least genuine smile ever.

Translation: Get. The. Fuck. Out.

What's that movie? The one where someone makes the argument that the customer is always right and the guy responds with, "Let me tell you something. The customer is always an ASSHOLE!" I think it's "Mallrats." Actually, I'm now 100% positive it's "Mallrats." I always thought Ben Affleck was a dick in that movie, especially when he shouts that line. Now I have new respect for what the man has gone through to get to that mental state. I've only done this one day a week for the past three months. So, what, 12 times total? I have such appreciation for the people who do this full-time.

I am placing my right hand over my heart (not really because I have to type, but for the sake of the gesture let's go with it) and solemnly swearing at this moment to do everything in my power to never become one of those asshole customers. This is similar to the vow I made after working at the movie theater to never be one of those asshole customers.

I am happy to report that when I go to the movies I take out my own trash and never make unfunny comments about the prices of things. I also come prepared, knowing exactly what's playing and at what time. And I never, EVER, complain about not liking the movie I selected in a lame attempt to get free passes. I'm good at keeping vows.

And I will keep this one, too.

Ear Worm(s)

My favorite Beatles song.



My favorite Beatles song as done by Jake Shimabukuro.



My second favorite Beatles song.



My third favorite Beatles song.



We'll leave it at that.

Book review: "A Reliable Wife"

My book club selected "A Reliable Wife" by Robert Goolrick as our August read based on this review from the Washington Post:

"Don't be fooled by the prissy cover or that ironic title. Robert Goolrick's first novel, 'A Reliable Wife,' isn't just hot, it's in heat: a gothic tale of such smoldering desire it should be read in a cold shower. This is a bodice ripper of a hundred thousand pearly buttons, ripped off one at a time with agonizing restraint."

Well, hot damn, let's read it!

I am sorry to report that not once did I need a cold shower. Yes, there was lots and lots of sex in this book, but not once did a blush creep onto my cheeks. (This makes it sound like I have a really amazing sex life that would make book sex pale in comparison. No.)

Catherine Land is a mail order bride on her way to East Jesus Nowhere, Wisconsin to be delivered to her new husband Ralph Truitt. Ralph is totally loaded. He owns the whole town and sends for Catherine with his own private rail car. She has answered his ad for a "simple woman" and en route from Chicago to Wisconsin changes out of her furs and jewels into some plain Jane gray schoolmarm dress, because she knows it's what he expects. Clearly, Catherine is a liar.

So, along the way, we learn the lie. And so does Ralph. And suddenly everyone knows the truth, but they are all still acting out the lie. Everything up until this point was exciting, then it suddenly got tedious. But, this is a whole different world -- apparently people go insane during Wisconsin winters, so I guess in the universe Goolrick invented, it could happen.

Anyway, my favorite parts of this book were the opening and closing scenes. The opening scene I explained already, with Catherine on the train. The closing scene has Ralph and Catherine coming to a new level in their relationship. It doesn't give a complete resolution; rather, it leaves the story open-ended without a definitive answer as to what will happen to the characters next. I love when books do that.

I didn't dislike the middle stuff, but it wasn't as captivating as the start and finish. I haven't decided if this is a good or bad thing in terms of the book itself. All I know is I was left satisfied, even without the need for a cold shower.

(P.S. -- The top image is the "prissy cover" mentioned in the review above. I assume it was the original cover. The one below is the new cover. I guess they thought if there was a picture of a bodice, people will buy the book in the hopes that it will be ripped at some point.)

Chicks in flicks

We had a discussion at work today about women in film.

Ok, that just made it sound like a very cerebral conversation. It wasn't. I started it off by expressing my annoyance of the romantic comedy genre.

Basically, rom-coms are all the same. That's no breaking news. However, for some reason, a new generation of 20-something women (with the exception of Amanda Seyfried) doesn't exist in the genre because the same old -- yes, OLD --chicks are in these chick flicks.

Now, I know that these women aren't actually old in the grand scheme of life. But in the grand scheme of movies, they are. Sorry.

Examples: Jennifer Aniston is 41. Jennifer Lopez is 41. Jennifer Garner is 38. Reese Witherspoon is 34. Sandra Bullock is 46. Julia Roberts is 43. Sarah Jessica Parker is 45.

These are the same women who have been doing the rom-com thing for at least 10 years already (or 20 in Ms. Roberts' case.) Why are these women the ones we have to continue to watch find true love for the first time? Surely there are actresses of a more believable age for that kind of storyline.

Note: It seems like screenwriters are trying to use these actresses however they can by doing the whole I-want-a-baby-and-don't-need-a-man-but-now-that-I-have-a-baby-I-met-a-man thing. I suppose it would be a more mature woman who went through a thing like that. Oh, and there's the whole I-am-the-bitchy-boss-lady-that's-why-I'm-older thing. Whatever. It still feels like they're reaching.

Name a 20-something actress who has done a rom-com lately. Besides Amanda Seyfried.

Nope, I can't think of one either.

The rom-com actresses take turns being "America's Sweetheart." All I'm saying is, it's time for some younger, fresher faces in the category. When I think of "America's Sweetheart," I think of Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts... from the early '90s! That was 20 years ago!!

So, during this conversation a coworker pulled up a video blog post from some feminist web site about the role of women in movies. It said to pay attention to these 3 things about the movie and the female(s) in it:

1. Is there more than one female character who has a name?
2. Do they talk to each other?
3. Do they talk to each other about something besides men?

Think of all the movies you have ever seen. The result is shocking. It's very hard to think of a movie where the above three questions are all answered in the affirmative. The first one that leaped to mind was the "Sex and the City" movie, which is truly unfortunate since that movie made me want to blow my brains out.

The answers for "SATC" are 1) Yes, there are four. 2) Yes and using only puns. Because THAT is how women talk to each other, you see. 3) Yes, but about clothes and babies and relationships in general. Because THAT is all that women talk to each other about, you see.

So the problem is twofold. The rom-com genre needs some storylines that are new and fresh (like "500 Days of Summer," which was excellent) and some new and fresh faces to play the female leads.

Perhaps I'll write them myself.

Powerless

The power at the apartment complex went out for about an hour tonight. Whenever this happens (which, thankfully, is not often) I imagine what it would have been like to live back in the old days when there was no electricity at all. Here is what I've decided:

1. It would have been effing miserable without AC. This might not have been such a big deal in the north, but in Texas in August no AC - even for an hour - is a BITCH.

2. Reading by candlelight is a strain on the eyes and not at all romantic.

3. You can hear EVERYTHING. I swear I heard the woman two floors above me sneeze. This has the potential to be very embarrassing.

4. Using the restroom in the dark is not fun. Not that I'm afraid I'm doing it wrong. It's just... weird.

5. I'm sure if I'd been born back then, I would have been just fine. Especially not knowing any difference from the way things are now. But since I do know the way things are now, I am very grateful to have been born when I was.

Book Review: "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies"

I love "Pride & Prejudice" in an almost unhealthy way. But I'm not so devoted that I can't enjoy a good spoof.

This book takes nothing away from the original. In fact, the original remains mostly intact (minus a couple of minor characters coming down with the zombie plague and being beheaded) with a lot of good zombie fun added in.

Example #1: The scene at Netherfield where Caroline Bingley and Mr. Darcy are discussing the attributes that make a woman truly accomplished. Mastery of drawing, dancing, languages, music, etc. Add "skill in vanquishing the undead" to the list of qualifications a woman must possess to be desirable.

Example #2: Mr. Darcy's failed proposal to Elizabeth during his visit to Rosings. She's good and pissed in the original and lets him know it verbally. In this one, she kicks his ass.

Example #3: When Lady Catherine journeys to Longbourn to confront Elizabeth about the rumor of Darcy's proposal. It's a match of insults in the original. In this one, they kick each other's ass.

It's all very hilarious.

After reading it, though, I was desperate to read the original and watch the most recent movie adaptation starring Keira Knightley and Matthew McFayden, which I own on DVD. It makes me all warm and fuzzy and not the least bit concerned about a "dreadful" feasting on my brain.

I'm sure Jane Austen would have wanted it that way.

"The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost

I recommended this poem to a friend of mine who is going through a rough time right now. I hadn't read it myself in quite a while, and I remembered how much I love it.



TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;
5

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,
10

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.
15

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.
20



P.S. - I looked up the title in Google images, and, predictably, there were dozens of photos of trails in the woods. None seemed exactly right, though, so I didn't post one, but I looked at a lot of them and have come to the conclusion that a fork in the road is really a beautiful thing. :)

Book review: "The Likeness"

Three friends of mine from work were RAVING about this book, and one loaned it to me. I've had it on my kitchen table for a couple of weeks while I caught up with book club reads, but I finally got around to it.

Before I dive into the story, let me tell you about my fatal flaw: I always try to figure out what's going to happen before it does. This applies to books, movies and life in general. (I think this is partially due to my dream thing, which I don't know if I've explained or not. Quickly, then -- I think I have a touch of ESP because I will have dreams and sometimes daydreams about things that end up happening later on. It's like the creepiest dejavu ever.)

So, of course, like 3 chapters in, when I don't know a darn thing yet, I'm trying to figure out the ending.

"The Likeness" by Tana French is about a detective named Cassie Maddox who used to work undercover under the alias Lexie Madison. One day, Cassie gets a call to go out to a murder scene. She enters the room and sees the victim and freaks the hell out because this dead girl looks exactly like her. They could be twins. Frank, Cassie's old boss from the undercover days, is there and says something along the lines of, "You think THAT'S crazy. Get a load of this." He shows her the dead woman's ID -- Alexandra J. Madison. (a.k.a. Lexie, a.k.a. the alias that Cassie invented years before.)

Who is this dead girl? Why is she using Cassie's old alias? And, more urgently, who killed her?

Frank's money is on "Lexie's" roommates, 4 graduate students with whom she shared a house. The roommates have been told that "Lexie" is in a coma and may not make it. Frank told them that because his grand plan is to have Cassie go undercover as Lexie, infiltrate the house and figure out what the hell is going on. Sam, another detective and Cassie's boyfriend, is completely against this idea. But Cassie goes for it.

The problem for Cassie is that she comes to like these people and starts getting too comfortable. The lines start to blur between Cassie and Lexie, and it's not until the truth comes out that things start to get real again.

My only criticisms of this story would be the way everything is revealed in the end. I felt like we built up so long and it all just sort of flooded out. A more suspenseful delivery would have maintained the sinister tone of the novel. Also, the thing with Cassie and Sam at the end. Eh. I mean, I get it: Cassie's figuring stuff out in her own life parallel to what she's figuring out about "Lexie." But still. Eh.

Tana French wrote "In the Woods" before this one. It's about a case that Cassie and her old partner worked on prior to the happenings of "The Likeness," and told from the partner's point of view. Another book, "Faithful Place," is a story told from Frank's point of view. I haven't read either, but I really like French's style of writing so I probably will one of these days.

If you're looking for a page-turner that's not going to give you nightmares, "The Likeness" is the book for you. Oh, and as for my guess on how it was going to end? I'll say this: My instincts were right; my suspect was wrong. Sort of.

Heinz 57

You get double the fun today: Two blog entries! Woo!

The previous post inspired this one. At book club, we were talking about what the word Chicano meant. Everyone sort of looked to me for an answer since I'm the only semi-brown person in the club. But the truth is, I didn't know. One of the members said she looked it up and the definition she found was a U.S. citizen of Mexican descent -- a Mexican-American.

Ok. I'll add it to the list.

Then we got into a conversation of whether or not that was an appropriate description of Mexican-Americans. Some people don't like it. They prefer to be called Mexican-American, or Latino/a, or Hispanic. I don't really care one way or the other, but Hispanic doesn't mean anything, so using that one equates ignorance in my book.

When people ask me what I am, my answer is "half-Mexican, half-white." (Which is a stupid way to break it down, but it's easier than the real answer.)

The real answer is this: My father's mother descends from the Spanish Canary Islanders who originally settled the city I live in (which a little Googling will help you figure out, but I'm still not telling), plus a little French mixed in there; my father's father has roots in indigenous Mexico/Central/South America... Mayan, we think; my mother's parents can trace their lineage back to England and Wales.

So, mostly European with a generous helping of Native American.

Most people like to guess what I "am" before I tell them. The majority guess Latina, which is kind of cheating since there are a damn lot of ethnicities that fall under that umbrella. But I've also heard French, Italian, Greek, and even Asian! (That last one was after I picked up some Chinese food to-go and the woman asked if I needed chopsticks. I told her that I had some at home and she literally scrutinized my face while asking if I was part-Asian.) At book club I heard Irish for the first time. So... Heinz 57 varieties, it seems.

This has been an issue for me my whole life, but especially when I was kid. My friends who were white always saw me as non-white, and my friends who were brown always saw me as white. I, like Antonio in the book, never really felt completely sure of my place on either side. Now it's not such a big deal, but it still comes up every once in a while.

I look at it differently as an adult than I did as a kid. Back then I felt watered down, for lack of a better description. Like I was only ever a half of something and not a whole. It felt like a disadvantage. Now, I feel like I have the best of both worlds. It's like I know things other people don't; like I have a secret. I don't feel any more connected than I did growing up -- there are definitely a lot of things I don't know about Mexican culture, including, sadly, a firm grasp of the language -- but I've made my peace with it.

I might just be two halves that don't really fit together, but at least they are two good, solid halves.

Book review: "Bless Me, Ultima"

Our July book club selection was the Chicano novel "Bless Me, Ultima," by Rudolfo Anaya. It's a coming of age story about a kid named Antonio who lives in New Mexico around the time of WWII.

Antonio feels pulled in different directions. His mother's family are quiet, calm people of the earth -- the Lunas. His father comes from the spirited, ambitious people of the llano -- the Marez. From the day he was born, he has been expected to choose to follow the path of one or the other. But that's not really what this story is about.

A curandera, Ultima, comes to live with his family. Antonio witnesses her magic, her connection to the world around her and her effect on the lives she touches. Seeing her work wonders in front of him calls into question Antonio's Christian belief system. But that's not really what this story is about.

There's a man, Tenorio, who hates Ultima and vows revenge on her because she believes she's responsible for the deaths of his daughters, who are found to be witches. In the end, Tenorio achieves his revenge by killing Ultima's owl -- her spirit animal -- and thereby killing Ultima. But... well, you know what I'm about to say.

All of the above things happen in the story, but what the story is really about is doubt. In this case, the doubt of the religion you grew up with, what you should be when you grow up and whether or not good can really triumph over evil. Any doubts a person has in their life could be transplanted into the story with the same result, which is this: It's ok to not know.

I appreciated this book because I myself have doubts about the faith I grew up believing in. And I think everyone has doubts about who they are supposed to be at one time or another. And with all the evil things that happen in the world, who wouldn't doubt whether or not good is fighting a losing battle?

The thing is, we probably won't get all the answers. And that's ok. Frustrating? Scary? Disappointing? Unnerving? Infuriating? Yes to all. We need to accept that we don't and won't know everything, that we don't and won't always make the best decisions. Once we do that, we can open our minds to new knowledge and experiences. And once we do THAT... well, we just might figure some stuff out, including, if nothing else, how we fit into life.

Lunch is serious business

When I was a kid, you were kind of a geek if you brought your lunch to school every day. All the "cool kids" bought theirs, and the "coolest kids" bought something horrible from the junk line like a cup of french fries or personal pepperoni pizza.

I was kind of a geek and brought my lunch every day except Fridays, when I was given a couple of bucks to buy something gross from the junk line.

I distinctly remember being in middle school and being MORTIFIED to carry a hot pink lunch bag. Because even if you were kind of a geek a brought your lunch, you weren't a SUPER GEEK if you brought your lunch in a brown paper bag. I was a super geek.

(I know this sounds completely ridiculous now, but when you're eleven years old and awkward and shy and an honor roll student, you've got to try to be cool in any way you can. Hot pink lunch bags were not that way.)

I couldn't understand why my parents didn't just spring for a package of brown paper bags. I still don't understand it, to tell you the truth. They're like $1! A very very small price to pay for your child's social well-being, I think.

Anyway.

Things were about the same in high school (minus the hot pink lunch bag. I started carrying these re-usable plastic bags that were much less obvious.) Then the most wonderful of days came when I was a senior and allowed to leave school for lunch. Most of the time I went home and ate a sandwich and watched "Days of Our Lives," but sometimes I'd go out with my friends.

Now that I'm an adult, I can look back on things that used to be a big deal and see that they really weren't. Everything seems super important while it's happening, I guess. Also, now that I'm an adult, I appreciate the financial responsibility of bringing a lunch from home every day (except Fridays, which are still reserved for eating out.)

And, finally, now that I'm an adult, I can appreciate a nice lunch bag. I bought one at Target just this week. It has butterflies on it. Butterflies are my favorite. It's pretty and sturdy and stands out in the office refrigerator among the various plastic grocery bags holding others' lunches. It is awesome.



I can't go back in time and assure my eleven-year-old self that the world really isn't going to end because she's carrying a hot pink lunch bag, but I can say that the eleven-year-old inside me is a bit ashamed of herself. She loves this lunch bag, however, and that makes her feel better.

Next up: A thermos!

Happy Anniversary!

Yes, it's the 4th of July. Our nation's birthday. But, more significantly to me, the anniversary of my grandparents' first date. (This year marks the 67th anniversary.)

Want to hear the story?

Warning: You will melt, be incredibly happy and then want to blow your brains out, all at the same time. (Actually, that could just be me. Hmmm.)

My grandparents grew up in a little town called Bartlett, TX that sits northeast of Austin. When they were kids, the place was hopping. Because of WWII, a lot of people left and never came back. Now it's basically a ghost town. Very very sad.

Anyway, they grew up together and it was one of those everybody knows everybody situations. My grandpa asked my grandma out many times, but she always told him no. He was a "bad boy," see. Always making trouble. And, frankly, she was a bit afraid of him.

Well one day a big group of friends all went out together, including my grandparents. My grandma decided that my grandpa wasn't so bad after all, and that if he asked her out again, she would say yes.

He did, and she did.

He borrowed his sister's car and drove my grandma to a neighboring town to see some 4th of July fireworks. Alas, the weather didn't realize this was a first date night, so it rained. As they were driving back to Bartlett, my grandparents decided they weren't quite ready for the evening to be over.

So what did they do?

They pulled over to the side of the road, turned up the car radio as loud as it would go and danced in the street in the rain.

*pause for reaction*

I know.

They got married a few months later. And the rest, as they say, is history. Roll credits.

Can you believe it? The romance! Where is that romance nowadays? Where, I say??? At least there's comfort in knowing that even if it might not exist anymore, somewhere, sometime, somebody got a movie-worthy love story. And I am so happy I know those somebodys.

Happy first date anniversary, Grandma and Grandpa!

RIP MJ

"If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make a change." - Man in the Mirror, Michael Jackson

25 more things

Does this get us to 100? I don't remember. And it doesn't matter, anyway. I like making lists.

Oh, and before we start: I got the part-time job! Today was my first day and I had no idea what I was doing but I had a good time doing it. Except my feet kind of hurt from standing up the whole time. Overall, a good day, though.

Ok. Here we go:

1. People who treat their pets like their kids annoy the shit out of me.
2. If I'm in a bad mood, buying school supplies will instantly improve it.
3. The two new spiral notebooks I bought two days ago are dedicated to the screenplay writing.
4. I've bought and eaten a watermelon every week for the past month. By myself.
5. I don't mean this the way it's going to sound, but every once in a while it would be nice to be the center of attention.
6. Screw the Lakers.
7. But don't screw L.A., because that's where they make the movies.
8. Screw the Mavericks, while we're at it.
9. I get a 20% discount at my new job. That is dangerous business.
10. (Because everything I want to buy is really expensive. Damn budget.)
11. The first thing I notice about the opposite sex? Height.
12. The second? Teeth.
13. Sometimes, you just want to eat a hot dog.
14. According to my 4-yr-old nephew, "macaroni and cheese and hot dogs is a delicious meal." (He is clearly wise beyond his years.)
15. I am so ready to go to the beach it isn't even funny.
16. Most of the time I do my workout DVDs barefoot. That's probably bad.
17. I've slept with the closet light on ever since I woke up with a roach crawling on my arm two weeks ago.
18. Josh Duhamel is way too hot to be married to that girl from the Black Eyed Peas.
19. It makes me very sad that they've wrapped filming on the last Harry Potter movies.
20. On that same note, I really want to go to the new Potter theme park.
21. I haven't done karakoe in a while. That might have to happen soon.
22. I am awesome at the Kevin Bacon game.
23. I have the best greeting card ever, ready and waiting to be sent to the next person I know who needs to be cheered up.
24. Twenty-minute workouts don't sound like they'd be bad... unless Jillian Michaels is the one working you out. Bitch.
25. And now, I'm off to "shred" with Jillian...

What we've learned from horror movies

We played this game at work where we listed all the ways to not get dead, based solely on the education that horror movies offer. I now bring the game to you.

1. Don't be a minority.
2. Don't be a virgin.
3. Stay away from the docks.
4. The super creepy grounds keeper? He's on your side. And yet, you'll probably get him killed.
5. The sexy guy in a suit? He will kill you.
6. Always wear matching bras and panties, because you will most likely be wearing only those two garments when you're running through the woods.
7. For God's sake, if you have to run through the woods, at least kick off the stilettos first.
8. You know what? Just have sneakers on at all times. Even if you're only wearing a bra and panties.
9. Don't take a drive in rural Texas. There is nothing to see.
10. Don't ask to borrow someone's phone.
11. Don't be the quarterback.
12. Be single. If you're in a relationship, one or the other of you isn't going to make it.
13. Never say "I'll be right back." That's how you end up decapitated by a garage door.
14. Seances are not a good idea. Ever.
15. Superglue your car keys to your hand. None of this fumbling-in-the-dark-and-inevitably-dropping business.
16. Oh, but if you've left your car unattended... it will not start.
17. Don't seek shelter in the barn. Or slaughter house. Or shrimp boat.
18. Screaming makes no difference. Save your energy.
19. Always wear waterproof mascara.

and above all else

20. Whatever you do, do not... REPEAT, DO NOT... open the portals of Hell.

We'll always have Paris.

Worst way to wake up ever

Have I mentioned how much I hate bugs? LOATHE them, actually. And the worst bug that ever lived? The cockroach.

Ugh. Just typing that made me shudder.

And now I will give all of you (the 10 of you who read this) the heeby-jeebies with the story of how I woke up Sunday morning.

At about 4:30 a.m., I felt something on my arm. Something kind of poking my arm. I wiggled my arm, and the pokey thing moved. Still half asleep, I slapped at my arm with my other hand and flung the sheets off me and jumped out of bed. I turned the lamp on, squinted around, and saw nothing. I pulled my sheets back and shook them, but nothing was there.

I started to wonder if I'd dreamt the thing I felt, but I was sure I had not. I took the opportunity to go the bathroom, and when I walked back into my bedroom, something flew past me and landed behind the trash can next to my dresser.

"Alright, motherfucker."

With that announcement, I went into the other room and got my roach spray. As I was walking back into the bedroom, the little bastard ran out from behind the trash can towards me. I sprayed, and it kept running. I spray-chased it into the bathroom, where it finally hit the wall and flipped over.

A brown one. About two inches long. Disgusting.

It writhed for a while and then got still. They do that to psyche you out and make you think they are dead when they are not. No, I have a roach-killing process:

1. Spray it again. Just for good measure.
2. Get a section of newspaper. (Glad to know it's still good for something.)
3. Throw the newspaper on top of the roach.
4. Put on a sneaker.
5. Stomp the shit out of the roach. You must hear a crunch for initial squishing confirmation. You must lift the paper and see guts poking out of its ass (those are actually its brains. I've done research) for second and final squishing confirmation.
6. Use the newspaper to scoop up the squished little bastard and then flush it.

Oh yes, it's dead and gone. But now, of course, I am on high alert. I couldn't go back to sleep after that because I just knew there were more lurking around. I didn't even get back in bed. I propped myself on the coach with the spray and sneaker where I could reach them and managed to doze off eventually.

And I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight, too. I mean, I guess it's a good thing that I'm aware enough in my sleep to know when something is crawling on me... but no. I don't want to wake up like that again. I felt violated.

The apartment office is getting a call first thing Monday morning to have someone come out and spray. Warning to all bugs, but most especially roaches: You come into this house, you are dead.

Book Review: "Belong to Me"

This book is the sequel to "Love Walked In," which my book club read a couple of months ago. I got this one at the library, but I have a feeling I'll end up buying it, especially since Marisa de los Santos is writing a third in the series as we speak.

I love Cornelia Brown Sandoval. I wish she was real so she could be my friend. Because no matter what's going on in the lives of the people around her -- death, adultery, unrequited love, stalking, a child that the father didn't know he had fathered -- she can somehow make it better.

(This is, of course, crap. There is no way any of these things could be resolved so neatly in real life. But that's why this book is in the fiction section.)

A quick summary: Cornelia and Teo got married and moved from NYC to the suburbs of Philly after Cornelia suffered a miscarriage and 9/11 happened the next day. The neighborhood they move into is swarming with mean housewives and miserable husbands, led by the Queen of Mean, Piper. (Yeah. I know. I guess she needed a ridiculous name, though.) Just when Cornelia thinks she's not going to have any kind of friend in this new life, she meets Lake (I know) at the grocery store. They are like kindred spirits, but neither of them is completely honest with the other. Lake's son Dev falls for Cornelia's sort-of-stepdaughter Claire (from the previous book) and the two of them plus Dev's friend Aidan go on a hunt to find Dev's birth father.

Piper's best friend Elizabeth dies from cancer, and then Piper's husband Kyle leaves her, and even though it takes them a long time to get there, Cornelia helps Piper through it. Just by being Cornelia.

Cornelia helps Lake with Dev, plus tries to be a good friend when Lake falls for her next door neighbor.

Oh, and Cornelia's brother surprises everyone by showing up with a pregnant girlfriend. And since Cornelia is Cornelia, she stands firm by her brother until he realizes that he is meant to be a father.

And then, just when things seem to be working out smoothly for Cornelia (who by this time is pregnant to term with hers and Teo's baby) ... the bomb is dropped: Dev figures out that Teo is in fact his birth father, Lake confirms it (she had Teo didn't meet face-to-face until this confrontation, FYI), Teo is gobsmacked and Cornelia freaks the hell out. As a person would.

That was the hardest part of the book to read. Harder than Elizabeth dying of cancer, even. Because my heart just broke for Cornelia. All she wants and has tried to do for these two books is make sure everyone around her is ok. Even when she doesn't like them very much... she wants them to be ok. And she does whatever she can to help it happen. And not to say that this Dev bombshell is hers alone to bear... but, damn. Poor Cornelia.

(Also... I had a feeling something was going to throw us for a loop. Cover art can make for a good clue. Why are there four pairs of boots? Teo, Cornelia, the baby. 1, 2, 3. The fourth belonged to someone...).

In the end, things seem to strike a balance so that everyone is ok. Which makes Cornelia feel ok, which is supposed to make the reader feel ok. But I did not. I wanted all the other characters in this book to physically get down on their knees and kiss the ground Cornelia walks on. (They love her, of course... but I want to see her loved like nobody has ever been loved before. She deserves it.)

I really liked this book, and more than 50% of why is because of Marisa de los Santos. The woman is a linguistic artist. Her writing is so melodic, her turns of phrase are so well crafted. She is inspiring. She loves to write, and it radiates in every paragraph. I love when writers play with words. I picture her smiling when she thinks up some catchy bit of alliteration or a funny description (my favorite in this book: "a wildly fruitless squat thrust") and that makes me happy. I can't wait to read the next one.

Movie review: "Letters to Juliet"

I am turning into such a girl.

Normally when I see chic flicks, it's because my girlier friends are pouting and begging me to go. And I usually end up wanting to gouge my eyes out with my Twizzlers and cursing that Kate Hudson was ever born.

For the past several weeks, though, my estrogen levels have been at an all time high or something. I was the one who invited my friends to come with me to see this movie.

I defend this with these reasons:

1. The movie takes place in Italy. Who doesn't want to spend 2 hours looking at Italian scenery?

2. The male love interest has an accent. I loooooooooooove guys with accents.

3. Amanda Seyfried is a cool lady. Check out some of her interviews on YouTube to confirm.

4. Vanessa Redgrave is amazing. Period.

So I went into the theater, armed with Twizzlers, fully expecting to be annoyed just like I am every other time I see a movie that has Taylor Swift on the soundtrack. But guess what?

I freakin' loved this movie.

Amanda Seyfried plays Sophie, a wannabe writer who goes to Verona with her chef fiance Victor, who is too preoccupied with his own agenda to pay any attention to her. One of the many times she's left to her own devices, she comes across a group of women who serve as "Juliet's secretaries," meaning they answer the letters that people leave for Juliet on the wall of her house. Sophie finds one from 1957, replies to it, and is surprised a few days later with the arrival of the woman who wrote it, Claire, and her grandson Charlie (accent).

Charlie is a total ass, but because he has abandonment issues and fears for his grandmother's feelings. Claire, however, is determined to find Lorenzo, the long-lost love she wrote the letter about all those years ago. Sophie tags along and documents everything for a story she's planning to write and hopes it's what will finally get her published.

Over the course of the search for Lorenzo, Sophie realized what love really is and that she and Victor do not have it. And, of course, she and Charlie fall for each other. Alas, she goes back to New York and he to London. She gets published, breaks up with Victor and goes back to Italy for Lorenzo and Claire's wedding. She sees Charlie there, confesses her love, he confesses his, big dramatic kiss scene, that's a wrap, cut and print.

Like all chic flicks, this is predictable. Of course Charlie and Sophie would find their way back to each other. Of course it would be at the very last second when the audience is supposed to think it's never going to happen. Of course Taylor Swift is singing over the scene.

But for some reason, this time it was ok with me. Maybe because the movie poked fun at itself and the cheesiness of romantic comedies in general. Charlie's snark served well there. Maybe because of the four reasons I mentioned above. But mostly... mostly it's because I've been super girlie these days and seeing love on a screen makes me ache for love in real life. In Italy. With a guy who has an accent.

Book Review: "The Host"

This month's book club selection was Stephenie Meyer's "The Host." She also wrote the "Twilight" saga, so let's just get that out there and out of the way right off the bat... because this book is nothing like that series.

Well, except for some things.

But first, the things that are different. This book is about a post-apocalyptic Earth where human bodies have been taken over by alien "souls." They've invaded the planet because when they first came to check it out, they saw that we'd made a real mess of things. So now, all these human hosts get to live in an idyllic society where everything is free, there is no crime and nobody stirs the pot. The trade? The humans themselves don't get to appreciate this new world because their minds are taken over by the souls. At least, that's what's supposed to happen.

This story is told from a soul's point of view. Wanderer is placed inside Melanie's body. The problem? Melanie didn't actually go away like she should have. She's still in her own head, there with Wanderer (who they annoyingly call Wanda for short).

Over some time, Wanda absorbs Melanie's memories and feelings and sets out to find the secret hideout of unpossessed humans where Melanie's boyfriend and little brother are supposed to be. She finds them. They see that she's got Melanie's body, but she's clearly a soul. (Their eyes are reflective, that's how you can tell.) So they hate her. And keep her prisoner. And beat the crap out of her on multiple occasions.

Then, finally, they begin to trust her. And then they believe her when she says Melanie is still in there. And after like 300 more pages of this, Wanda decides Melanie deserves to have her life and body and boyfriend and brother back, so she gives away the aliens' most guarded secret -- the way to detach themselves from their host without killing either being.

Of course Jared, Mel's boyfriend, is all for this plan. Ian, however, has fallen in love with Wanda. That gets sticky, but they resolve it by removing Wanda from Mel's body and putting her in someone else's. And they all lived happily ever after. (No. They did not. Stephenie Meyer left it open for a sequel by having the humans come across another group of free humans, who tell them they know of even more free humans! Will they rise up and take their planet back?? If the author gets to writing, they just might).

I liked this book. It's better than "Twilight" in that it touches on actual social issues rather than just ridiculous teenage supernatural love. And while it bored me after a while, I can appreciate Stephenie's creativity in inventing the alien culture and history for this book. It's obvious that much more thought went into it than into the vampire culture she invented for "Twilight."

I did not like this book for the same reasons I do not like "Twilight." The heroine (I mean Wanda, not Melanie) is pathetic. Stephenie Meyer's anti-feminist bullshit really pisses me off. Yeah, I know, she's a Mormon. But guess what? If it was the end of the world, and you and your boyfriend thought you were the only two humans left on the planet (which they did at the time of this point I'm about to make) you would not stop yourselves from having sex because you had not yet turned 18. Are you joking? And speaking of no sex, I'm really pissed that Stephenie didn't give us even a smidge of some good stuff after Melanie was herself again. Because the first thing you'd do is say hello to everyone, give your family a hug and kiss and then lock yourself in your room with your boyfriend for, like, days. COME ON! I'm not saying I needed graphic details, but having one little sentence merely alluding to Melanie and Jared's reunion was just a damn tease.

If Stephenie does write more in this series, I hope she gives us the story from both Wanda's and Melanie's points of view. We saw this world through the both of them for a very long time. I would feel cheated if I didn't get to continue that.

And hey, how about a little sex, too? I mean... aren't Mormons the ones who have 13 million kids each? Come on, Steph. I know you've got it in you. (Um... no pun intended.) ;)

This is better

Remember when I wrote that blog post a couple of months ago about being on the cusp of 30 years old and what that meant to me? Well, this person wrote about the aging/accomplishment/happiness thing in a way that's much better than my rambling. Have a read. It's called "Screw Happiness." (Movie title, anybody?)

Not a review of "Iron Man 2"

It was going to be, but really, what's the point? It's a fun, funny, action-packed sequel to a fun, funny, action-packed original. If you liked the first, you'll like the second. Robert Downey Jr. is awesome. The end.

Today I'm going to talk about something much more urgent.

Vampires.

What is the deal with vampires? Why are we (yes, me included) currently so obsessed? I am such a 12-year-old fangirl when it comes to the "Twilight" series. (Wait. Let me be clear. I do not own any merch other than the books and movies. I do not check fan sites on a daily basis. I am not part of any group that has a name with the prefix Twi-. But I am a fan.) I also watch "The Vampire Diaries" on Thursday nights, which, frankly, is much much better than the "Twilight" series.

I never was into vamps before. I have never read a word of Ann Rice. (Is it Anne with an "e?" I don't even know.) I saw parts of "Interview With a Vampire" and "Queen of the Damned." Nothing memorable for me. Ok, I admit, I enjoyed The Count when I watched "Sesame Street," but I think that's about as far as it went for me.

I have tried again and again to figure this out. I am at a loss. Anybody out there have any ideas?

The point of me bringing this up is clearly people are into this stuff. There are like a billion and half vampire book series out now, and they are being... heh... devoured! Same goes for other supernatural things: wizards, witches, werewolves, etc. And now there's a sub-supernatural group writing hero stories based on Greek, Roman and Egyptian mythology.

It's all fantasy, all the time.

And I get it; it's fun. And it's clever. I mean, this stuff has been written about for centuries so doing it now is pretty easy. The foundation has been laid.

I want to be a writer. I want to have an original idea and unique characters and a compelling story for them. But it's so HARD! Every time I think I have something, I work on it for a while, decide it sucks and then stop. I know my ideas are good, I'm just having a hard time executing them. (Maybe I need a writing partner?)

I'm not trying to say I'm too good to write about fantasy stuff. If I could think of something that nobody has done yet, I'm all over it. Young Adult, too. That genre is so mislabeled it's not even funny. Grannies are reading YA stuff at the bus stop. It would be fun to write in both of those genres.

The moral of this post is this: Writing is hard. Being original is hard. And vampires are a fun distraction.

P.S. - This is Stefan and Damon Salvatore, the vamp brothers in "The Vampire Diaries." Like I said: A fun distraction. ;)

25 more things

This list will make 75 total things. I'll stop at 100. Maybe.

1. I never had bad skin as a teenager, but now that I'm grown my skin is like, "Hey. Got something for ya."
2. I should really be in bed right now.
3. My jaw pops when I yawn. It's gross.
4. My apartment currently looks like I was robbed during a tornado.
5. I always resist going to the gym, but I'm always happy when I've gone.
6. My dad gave me $25 the other day, for no reason at all.
7. I really want a day off.
8. I hate when people blow me off.
9. Firemen are hot.
10. Baseball players are also hot.
11. In related news, dipping is not hot.
12. Going to the store when hungry is dangerous. Today I bought strawberry ice cream. :(
13. I really want the complete series of "Dawson's Creek" on DVD. Ridiculous, I know.
14. I currently own the complete series of "Friends" and am up-to-date on seasons of "The Office."
15. I will be adding "Glee" and "The Vampire Diaries" to my collection, once those complete seasons start coming out on DVD. Because I'm still a teen girl inside, that's why.
16. "Iron Man 2" was so much fun. (Review to come).
17. "Daria" is a kick-ass show.
18. I have to check 100 times that my keys are in my purse before I leave work and get on the bus.
19. I can't read while in a moving vehicle. Unless I want to puke.
20. My parents are starting to act old.
21. I want to have a vegetable garden in my backyard one day.
22. I also want to be fancy enough to know and care about different kinds of cheese.
23. I wonder how many people would actually buy my book, if it was ever published?
24. I'm thinking not many.
25. Going to bed now.

Sorry, again, if there are any repeats.

Book Review: "Pictures at an Exhibition"

Max's father is a big time art gallery owner in Paris in the late 1930s. He rubs elbows with Picasso, for heaven's sake! But he is not interested in Max taking over the gallery, although he fully expects his son to know every painting in and out, back and forth, up and down. Max knows their values. He knows how to study a painting to determine its worth. He's good.

But Max's parents want him to be a doctor, so they force him to go to medical school and hire Rose to work at the gallery instead.

Max falls for Rose. Rose does not fall for Max. Then a bunch of Germans plow through the country and Max's family, who are Jewish, go into hiding and lose everything.

Max and his dad come back to Paris years later and confirm that everything is gone. Max's dad doesn't seem interested in finding his lost paintings. Max, on the other hand, is determined to get them back. And if not all of them, one: Almonds.

This novel is the first by Sara Houghteling, and I'm impressed by her research of works of art. She does a good job of combining fact and fiction. In "The Rape of Europa," I read about the plight of art during WWII, and some specific moments -- like the moving of "The Winged Victory" down a staircase in the Louvre -- appear in this book as well.

Rose Clement, in this novel, is based on Rose Valland, a French woman who worked as an art historian before and during German occupation and kept meticulous records of the art that passed through the Jeu de Paume Museum in Paris. Valland is considered a national hero in France and was awarded several decorations for her work.

In those moments, when I recognized truth in the story, I loved the book. I was also engaged when Max began his quest for his father's art, and my heart stopped with his every time he recognized a piece that belonged to him.

I was not quite as interested in Max's existential crisis along the way, even though I understand it. And the big reveal, which explains why his parents didn't want him to work in the gallery and follow in his father's footsteps, was weak to me. But the ending, set 25 years after the war with Max bidding on a painting in an auction and eventually losing his prize to a handicapped woman wearing the Legion d'honneur medal... that was cool.