A special place in hell

With Halloween looming and evil lurking around every corner, I've been inspired to put together a list of truly heinous beings who would roast in the afterlife if I had such power.

1. Those who do not return shopping carts to the shopping cart holder.

2. Slow drivers who are not in the right lane.

3. People who are unnecessarily mean to service workers (waiters, ushers, secretaries, customer service folks... you know, people whose job it is to try and make your life easier.)
3.a. The woman at work who directed the above attitude toward me when I first started at the company.

4. The crazy guy who tried to mug me at the bus stop.

5. Fans of Nickelback.

6. Whoever started the "win"/"fail" phrasing trend.

7. People who contribute the following to a conversation: "I don't know what to tell ya."

8. Rush Limbaugh.

9. Anybody who has a problem with me listing Rush Limbaugh.

10. Oklahomans, with a few exceptions.

11. On a serious note, anybody who hurts kids or animals.

12. Strangers who call you "sweetie" or " sweetheart" or "hon" or some other annoying term of endearment.

13. Guys who wear puka shells and popped collars.

We'll stop there. Thirteen seems like an appropriately superstitious number to have.

If we are friends and you fall into any of the above categories, we are no longer friends. (Not really, but we certainly need to have a serious conversation. Especially if you fall under numbers 3, 8-9, 11 or 13.)

Eye Worm

This video cracks me up. The guy in the striped shirt is my favorite. :)

Book Review: "Water for Elephants"

Tonight my book club met to chat about "Water for Elephants" by Sara Gruen. The meeting came complete with three varieties of popcorn and my elephant impression, not to mention some excellent owl cookies made by our hostess with the mostess. While quite enjoyable, none of those things were really necessary -- we were all completely satisfied by our love of the book. Although I don't think any of us would turn away from an owl cookie.

We agreed that this book has everything any reader could ever want. Action? Check. Romance? Check. Exotic setting? Check. Humor? Check. Suspense? Check. Rich characters? Double check. A well-designed and executed plot? Double check again.

In a nutshell: Jacob Jankowski is a 90 or 93-year-old man (he can't exactly remember) who lives in a nursing home and hates every second of it. When the circus comes to town and sets up around the corner, he starts to reminisce about days long ago during the Depression when he first learned about life and love...

Jacob is about to finish up at Cornell veterinary school when his life is struck by tragedy. He finds himself lost, physically and metaphorically, and ends up hopping onto a passing train because... well, why not? Turns out the train belongs to the Benzini Brothers Most Spectacular Show on Earth and Jacob immerses himself in the intricate and shady world of the circus. He meets the two loves of his life, Marlena and Rosie, one of whom murders his nemesis... and one of whom happens to be an elephant.

Who is the murderess? What happens to Jacob? How does his experience with the circus end? You'll have to read to find out.

One thing (of many) I loved was reading about the culture of the circus. It is structured by a class system, it has its own language and there are some rules that are never spoken, just understood. It reminded me a lot of when I used to work at a movie theater. I was an O.C. I spent most of my time on the floor but worked laundry at least once a weekend. I also worked booth one summer. The worst thing was when a film went down, especially if it was a bigger auditorium that had been bumped. We'd have to hand out passes when it broke while we did exit greetings. I take that back. The absolute worst was a technicolor yawn. That didn't happen often, but when it did... yuck! I always left work smelling like popcorn, but especially if someone flamed the cornbread. If turnaround times were short you were in for a tiring shift and if it was super busy you were expected to back bar or jump on to help out. A or C sides were best at the chance of leaving early, but B was generally the most fun. It really all depended on APSH.

Catch any of that? Maybe I'll write a book about working at movie theater and explain it.

Back to "Water for Elephants." Read it. It comes highly recommended. And if you're not much of a reader, guess what? There are pictures!!

Happily ever after, and that's ok with me

Last week I happened to catch "Aladdin" on the Disney Channel and it got me in the mood to go to my mom's house and borrow a bunch of the Disney movies she has on VHS. To my horror, she told me she had taken them all up to the store where she is a vendor. The 10-year-old within me burst forth, stomped her feet and demanded they be returned.

I know tantrums aren't attractive, but I stand firm that my mom came very close to committing a tragedy. Everyone knows that Disney puts their animated flicks on shelves for a limited time only, and only every few years. The rest of the time they're locked away in the "Disney Vault." (Does anybody else imagine a bank vault -- with a door in the shape of Mickey Mouse's head, of course -- guarded by a bunch of cartoons a la "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" No? Just me? Ok...)

Anyway, until these movies all come out on DVD and are part of my collection, the VHS copies are sacred. You will all be happy to know that they are now safe and sound in my apartment.

So this whole scenario got me to thinking: What is the big deal with these movies? Why do I have such an attachment? I'm 28... and a half... for Christ sakes!

After viewing them again for the first time in probably 15 years, a few things jumped out at me that I never really paid attention to before: Why do none of these girls have mothers? Why are they drawn to look like Barbie dolls when they're supposed to be 16-year-old kids? Why are they the misfit or screw-up in the story? And why, oh why, do they need to be rescued by the hero at the end when they've been feisty and independent throughout the whole rest of the story?

Alot of people take issue with these movies because they feel that they paint an unrealistic portrait of love and life. If the above points were the only evidence, I would be inclined to agree.

However, these issues don't take away from more important themes: Be true to your heart. Don't judge a book by its cover. Fight for what you believe in. Good triumphs over evil. The right person will love you for exactly who you are.

I never believed I would grow up, have a magical adventure and find the love of my life right around the same time I got my driver's license. I certainly never thought I'd look like a Barbie doll.

I do, however, firmly believe that people should be true to their hearts, not judge books by their covers and fight for what they believe in. I think good really does triumph over evil. And I will not settle for anyone who does not love me for exactly who I am.

And if that's what a little girl who loved (and still loves) these movies grew up to believe, how misleading can they really be?

Final note for the record:

Belle from "Beauty and the Beast" has always been my favorite Disney heroine. She's a spunky brunette bookworm who sees right through the advances of the town stud and says "thanks but no thanks." She stands up for herself when she's on the business end of one of the Beast's hissy fits. And, best of all, SHE saves HIM in the end.

Movie Review: "Couples Retreat"

Since this is my first movie review on this blog, I'll establish the rules: I write spoilers. If you're the type of person who gets pissed about that, don't read the post. That's the only rule.

Three couples on the rocks and one couple blindly approaching the rocks agree to go on a vacation in paradise. At least that's where they think they're going. They don't realize that there are two sides to paradise: the fun, partying side and the not so fun side with therapy. Guess where they end up?

Once they're there, there's a lot of serious mixed in with the funny. The therapy sessions are a tad more uncomfortable than humorous, and the couples' interactions are just painful. Both of these were intentional, I think. Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau are showing that they are grown ups who can write grown up movies now.

Of course, they still appreciate the nonsense. I imagine them sitting across eachother at a table, writing down random funny thoughts and putting them in a bowl:

Huge, naked black guy...
Inappropriate yoga instructor...
Panic over sharks...
Guitar Hero battle...
Mr. Belvedere reference...
Kid peeing in a toilet at the home improvement store...
Kid pooping in a toilet at the home improvement store...
The term "asstastic"...

Then it came time to draw out a couple of ideas and figure out a way to make them part of the overall plot. Instead, though, they just dumped all the ideas out of the bowl and decided a cohesive plot wasn't all that necessary once all the random funny stuff was in there.

Then they decided that all the characters would be flawed but be unwilling to see it. It would be the job of all the other characters to point out the flaws in their friends.

At some point they realized that this was kind of a bummer because none of these relationships would survive. They fixed this by having all the characters come to self-realization at the exact same time so that everyone could live happily ever after.

It's not a terrible movie, but it's also not great. I'm glad there was some satisfaction at the end... but I wish it was mine and not just the characters'.

My little things

It's very easy to get caught up in the things that make us tired, angry, sad and all-around negative. The little things are where we can find the happy balance. Here are mine, in no particular order:

1. The return of Pumpkin Spice to Starbucks.

2. This sweater (even thought it's still too hot to wear it.)

3. "Water For Elephants" by Sara Gruen (full review to come once my book club has discussed.)

4. These boots.

5. "Glee"

6. Getting good things in the mail.

7. My upcoming trip to Chicago.

8. Beaker.

9. Beaker, Swedish Chef and Animal singing "Danny Boy."

10. Diet Dr Pepper. (This is not a typo. There is no period after Dr in Dr Pepper, in case you didn't know.)