Merci, Canada

The Olympics are once again over. Sadness.

Thanks to Canada for being the host with the most for the past two-ish weeks. Good times were had by all. Except for Plushenko, who I have promoted to Captain of the Douches.

Next up for Winter Games: Sochi, 2014. I would like to formally request that Harrison Ford and Bruce Willis be on hand. Because Russians scare me.

Next up for Olympics: London, 2012. LONDON, BABY!!!

USA! USA!

Also, if you didn't catch Tom Brokaw's report on a little town in Canada called Gander and their role in the aftermath of 9/11, please do. I cried.

USA!

Fortune says

"Soon you will be sitting on top of the world."

USA! USA! USA!

There are dog people and there are cat people. There are diet soda people and regular soda people. There are summer Olympics people and winter Olympics people.

I am the first option out of all three of those examples.

And yet, what is it about the Olympics that is so addictive? It's like they put crack in the telecast. If I stumble across an event, even a winter Olympics event I normally don't give a crap about (seriously, who was the first person to say, "I know! We'll do this thing where we lay on a sled and see how fast we can go. And we'll call it the luge. And it will be awesome." ??), I cannot help but stay glued to the TV.

Tonight I learned a few things while watching the Olympics: 1) Seth Wescott is totally hot. 2) I really like Canadians. 3) Only the Chinese know how to not fall during pairs skating. 4) Bob Costas is the man.

I have flashbacks to my childhood when I was all about the Olympics, especially winter Olympics. When Nancy Kerrigan got the crap kicked out of her knee by Tonya Harding's thug husband, you couldn't pry me away from the TV with a crowbar. And then Tonya had her little meltdown on the ice as she was skating to music from "Jurassic Park." Jurassic freakin' Park!

I memorized how to say Kristi Yamaguchi. I counted the number of times Scott Hamilton did toe-touches during his routines. I watched "The Cutting Edge" a million and a half times. ("Toe pick.")

And then, in the summer of '96 in Atlanta, I forever fell in love with the summer games. All because of seven really short, really buff American little girls and an effing epic vault by Kerri Strug.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I used to be one of those bitter people who wish Valentine's Day didn't exist. I still think it's a totally unnecessary holiday, but I don't hate it anymore. There's already enough hate in the world, right?

Here is why Valentine's Day does not suck:

1. My dad makes us chocolate-covered strawberries every year and they are awesome.

2. Red is my favorite color, and it's all over the place on Feb. 14.

3. This year, I went to a concert and had a good time.

4. This year, it's just two days before Mardi Gras. Laissez les bons temps rouler!

5. I'm genuinely happy for people who are in love.

6. Beyonce has an awesome theme song for... ahem... single ladies like me to dance to.

I'm stuck. But you get the idea. It's all about positivity.

And since we're on the theme, I'll go ahead and review "Valentine's Day" for you.

There are so many people in this movie that you don't care at all about the story arcs of the characters (which is good because there aren't any), you're just there to see everyone get their 20 minutes or less of screen time. (Speaking of this, Julia Roberts got paid $3 million for her appearance. Her SIX MINUTE appearance. I really hope she donates a shit ton of money to charitable causes.)

Some people have compared this film to "Love Actually," which I think is unfair. Yes, they are similar in that there are a bunch of people with overlapping story lines, but "Valentine's Day" comes nowhere near the emotional depth I felt watching Richard Curtis' Christmas movie. Yes, both films are mostly vacuous, but my heart swells up at points in "Love Actually." In "Valentine's Day," when things look sour for one of the onscreen couples, I find myself thinking, "Oh well. Now let's get back to Bradley Cooper and see what happens to him." (Also, who wouldn't just want to spend more time looking at Bradley Cooper?)

There were a lot of girls going "awwwwwwwwwwww" throughout the movie. That's ridiculous. There's nothing overwhelmingly romantic in it. Not once was I impressed by a gesture from one partner to another. Not once did I find myself tearing up or holding my breath. It's not that serious. It's a cotton candy movie -- all fluff, no substance.

Having said all that, here are the awards I offer this movie (WARNING: SPOILERS):

1. Most ridiculous character: Jessica Biel's self-loathing sports agent.

2. Hottest gay couple EVER: Eric Dane and Bradley Cooper. HELLO!

3. Second most ridiculous character: Jennifer Garner's all-too-predictably scorned schoolteacher.

4. Best line of the movie: Ashton Kutcher, for saying, "Love is the only shocking act left on the planet." That is the straight up truth.

5. Most likely to try too hard to be funny: Taylor Swift. Stick to singing, girlfriend.

6. Funniest outtake in the credits: Julia Roberts. "Big mistake. Big. Huge." Well played.

7. Cutest couple: The little kid and the girl from his class. Precious.

8. Least cute couple: Topher Grace and Anne Hathaway. Note to filmmakers: If you have to force them to be together, it's probably not a good idea. Just like in real life.

9. Best one-liners: George Lopez, who, unlike in his show, did not force the funny.

10. Most unnecessary character overall: Queen Latifah. I still don't know why she was there.

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!

Fortune says

"The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them."

(I'm not eating a lot of Chinese food right now, btw. These are ones that I've saved for one reason or another... but I bet you can guess what the reason is.)

Fortune says

"Do not give up; the beginning is always the hardest."

I have just discovered the genius of Sarah Haskins

This woman is hysterical! Check out the following examples:











And there are so many more!